This is the one story that I have practiced saying enough times in front of a mirror, so that I do not sound like a complete turd when I tell it. By “turd” I mean bad story teller, because 98% of the time I AM THE WORST. This is also my go to for ice breakers… which I coincidentally, LOVE. Yes, I am the person that gets overly hyped for a good ol’ meet and greet. Anywho, I figured I’d start this “new” blog idea off with this gem.
It was April 1st, 1999. Prior to this, April Fool’s Day had been one of my favorite holidays. Ruining my parent’s lives since 1992, no jokes were played on my parents until I was 3 years old, obvi I was a baby.. Babies don’t play jokes. The year 1999 makes me 10 years old, great year. That afternoon, Jerry (what I prefer to call my wonderful Mother, not out of disrespect… but solely because Jerry is a totally baddass name) and I went out to lunch with my Aunt. On the ride home from lunch I had the awesome realization that it was indeed, APRIL FOOL’S DAY!!
Here’s the car ride,
me: “Mom, mommmm, mom, hey mom? Mooooom."
me: “WE NEED TO PLAY A TRICK ON DAD!!!!!~!!”
Jerry: “uh huh.”
me: “MOM OMG what if …uh…. WHAT IF I PRETEND TO GET HURT ON THE NEW TRAMPOLINE DAD HATES?! WHILE YOU GUYS GO ON YOUR WALK. Then! When you come back and see me Dad will freak out and I will be like HEHEHEH April Fool’s DAD!!!!!!! HAHALOL"
Jerry: "uh huh”
AND IT WAS DECIDED….
Potentially the best April Fool’s joke of all time. My Dad absolutely HATED that trampoline. Jerry had convinced him that it was a good idea to get since I was a giant Twinkie (def my most consumed food at age 10) of a child and I needed the exercise. But my father, who was a very suspious and most of the time ultra scary guy, thought for sure I was going to fall off and “crack my head wide open on that dagnabit thing”. I knew it would get him! I was the most excited 10 year old in at least a 5mi radius… Also, I was also recently super into making fake facial and body bruises with makeup. So I really considered that too, but I thought that might be too much.
As my parents walked away from our house I waved and danced to them like a bazonkers, SURGE’d (child crack) out idiot. If you don’t remember SURGE…you’re lucky.
Also, everyone who gets fountain pop “suicides” … say, “YEAAAH” YUH, just me!? As soon as I saw my parents turn the corner and get out of my site I laid on the trampoline trying to think of dramatic ways to look injured. I decided on hanging one arm and half of my face off the Tramp - solid option, right?
And now, I waited. For what felt like years. I was so pee pee excited. FINALLY, I peeked up and saw them coming around the corner. I heard my Mom and Dad talking about grown up nonsense. Then I hear my Dad start hollering my name… I snicker… THIS IS GONNA BE SOO GOOD!! I hear my Dad yell again, in a more panicked tone, “Jack!!!” “JACKI!!!” … then I hear my Mom SCREAM “JACKIIIIII!!!” …
TURNS OUT… SHE HAD FORGOTTEN OUR PLAN!!!!!!!!! .. typical Jerry.
I didn’t realize how freaked out both of them were until it was way too late. They both had sprinted to the trampoline, at an alarming rate. My Dad beating Jerry to the Tramp.
My Dad comes right up next to me, falls to the ground pulls his hat off his head and begins to sob in his hands…. Saying things like “No, OH GOD. WHY!!?? NOOOO.” I guess I waited too long to reveal the prank, uh……
I pop up, and yell, “APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” My Dad stands up looks at me red faced with tears and snot all over himself and yells, “GODDAMNNIT, JACKI!” and storms in the house.
Jerry catches up a few seconds after with a few wise words, “*sigh* OHHH CRRRRRAAAAAAAP!!"
My father didn’t talk to me for at least 4-7 days….
Moral of the story, 10 year old’s are assholes.